Harry Potter and the Hopeless Hooker
by EternalVegetto
Summary: Harry Potter and the gang are at it again. Comedy, Sex, and Outrageous surprises, what more can you ask for? Chapter 6 is up!!!!!!
1. Default Chapter

I'd just like to let you know ahead of time JK Rowling owns all the rights to Harry Potter blah blah you know the drill. But also this is just for comedy use and it can be very adult-ish so please don't get offended. I wrote this to make you laugh not piss you off. Enjoy  
  
Chapter 1  
  
It was a bright and sunny morning as Harry woke up in his luxury four poster bed. Something seemed wrong though, were was everyone? Looking around he realized he overslept and everyone was in class already. Trying not to panic, He quickly threw on his robes and ran to Transfiguration class praying that Professor McGonagal wouldn't flip out on him to much.  
  
As he stormed into the classroom he realized how late he really was. "Mr. Potter your 25 minutes late!!! Sit down and we'll talk about how much trouble your in after class" she screamed at him as the Slytherins laughed uncontrollably.  
  
As Harry sat down he heard Seamus whisper to Dean, "I bet its that time of the month!"  
  
Professor McGonagal couldn't of overheard being since she was across the classroom, but if looks could kill, she would have murdered Seamus on the spot.  
  
"Why are you so late harry?" Ron asked as Harry finally sat down in between him and Hermione.  
  
"Stupid Alarm Clock broke again!" Hermione finally looking up from her parchment, "You no better then to rely on those things. Last time we almost had to forfeit our match against Ravenclaw cause you were late"  
  
The rest of the class wasn't so bad. They were practicing how to transform there quills into rabbits. Almost everyone was able to do it besides poor Neville.  
  
"Professor I think I'm doing it wrong squeaked Neville as he looked hopelessly at his mutant transfiguration. He seemed to have turned the quill into a full fledged rabbit and Harry couldn't seem to figure out what Neville was complaining about.  
  
"I don't see anything Neville cant you just accept the fact that you did something right for a change?" McGonagal shrieked at him."  
  
But look Neville said pointing towards its.. private area." What is that!?!?!?"  
  
Harry trying very hard not to laugh as the rest of the Gryffindors were doing, quickly whispered to Neville, "Its just a boy rabbit!" But before Neville could think twice Draco somehow got his rabbit to be "excited" and started imitating what Neville said.  
  
McGonagal finally let go and screamed at Draco and Neville," Both of you sit down I'm not here to teach you the birds and the bees go buy a PlayWitch if your so desperate and stop interrupting my class!!!. 25 points from each house and dete-.. But before she could finish she simply collapsed to the ground in convulsions.  
  
Neville, slowly, picked up his wand and started poking there transfiguration teacher while making strange sounds of excitement.  
  
Ron, finally jumped up and screamed," Would you stop it!!!!.......... and let me try!!!" Ron quickly took out his wand and started poking the convulsing teacher. Seamus and Dean quickly jumped in with a few Slytherins as they poked the teacher repeatedly. Lavender and Parvati giggled until finally joining in themselves. Harry just stared in au, but finally taking out his wand. Just before his wand was out, the classroom door slammed open and to all there horror Professor Snape walked in just starring at the scene unfolding before his very own eyes...  
  
********  
  
What in gods name do you all think your doing!! I want all seven of you in Dumbledores office now!! And yes that means you to Potter, not even your stardom can save you now.  
  
Harry got up gloomily, and walked out with Neville, Ron, Dean , Seamus, Lavender and Parvati. It looked grim for them. How could they possibly explain themselves, we just felt like a good poke? Just as Harry finished his thought, McGonagal started waking up.  
  
"ugh. someone get me to my room" she mumbled as she tried to get up  
  
Hermione, Ron, and Harry were the first to get to her and helped her up.  
  
"Please take me to my room"  
  
"Don't you think you should go to the infirmary" added Hermione helpfully.  
  
"Please just take me to my room and Ill explain."  
  
*******  
  
It took about 10 minutes to finally get to the teachers section of the school, and to her room. They had to take quit a few passages they never knew about and had to pass through a secret passage guarded by a statue of Helga Hufflepuff (the password was Hufflepuff Pride) When they finally made it Harry soon realized it wasn't just a room it was like her very own apartment. As they walked in they quickly helped her to sit down on the sofa.  
  
"Thank you" she said as she finally looked up at them. "I didn't want to drag you into my problems but its better you then the other Teachers."  
  
The three exchanged glances.  
  
Harry finally went first, "Professor what happened before?"  
  
"The truth is, I was convulsing because I took some very powerful drugs last night.  
  
"Good drugs right, like to help fight something?" Hermione asked nervously.  
  
"No stupid they were illegal of course, I was trying it because I thought it might help me loosen up a bit but it was very strong.  
  
"Why did you want to loosen up" Ron said as his ears turned as pink as possible.  
  
"No one wants me anymore. I spend hours on the street corner ( Pine and Main St) and no one ever picks me up. All the young witches get picked up. I thought maybe if I was a little high Id loosen up and I would go home with someone"  
  
The tree stared at each other dumbfounded .  
  
"I get no good business anymore the best I can do is Snape, and you could only imagine that is like. He's into whips, leather, and hamsters, not much my style unless your paying right. Sighing she went on, "I used to be so pretty and not wrinkled up.. I've been in 7 PlayWitch Issues and 3 movies. My best was "Paradise of Woman" but they refused to use me for the sequel now.  
  
Finally Harry regained control of his mouth, "Are you telling us, your students, that your a hooker and you were convulsing in class because you took some drugs to try and loosen up because no one will pick you up anymore?  
  
She nodded.  
  
Ron, finally getting up the courage to speak asked, " How much do you charge for a blo-  
  
Before he could finish Hermione had slapped him clear as day across the face. "Ronald Weasly if you want that done you know I will do it no charge. well there will be some kind of payment needed.  
  
She giggled to herself.  
  
Harry sat there for a long time just taking all of this in. His Professor is a hooker. He already knew about Ron and Hermione but never knew they were THAT serious, but they of course didnt know how serious he was with Cho.  
  
Finally he woke up from his thoughts and asked, "What do you want us to do?"  
  
Its rather simple she said, " I want you to whore me up." 


	2. The Great Hall

Harry tried moving on with his life putting what he had heard the night before at the very back of his mind. They agreed that every Thursday night they would all meet in Professor McGonagal's office and start there "help".  
  
Harry was just leaving the common room heading to the library when he accidentally ran right into Professor Snape.  
  
"Watch were your going Potter the whole world doesn't revolve around you." Snape snickered at him.  
  
"I bet if I had a hamster and leather you would like me a lot better. Harry mumbled a bit to loud.  
  
"What did you say!?! Snape screamed with such hatred in his voice Harry knew he went over the line.  
  
" I um.."  
  
"Get in my office NOW!!"  
  
Harry walked behind Snape going over and over in his head how screwed he really was. When they arrived in Snapes office, he locked the door behind him. He just sat and stared at Harry for a minute before finally smoking.  
  
"So, I guess Minvera told you about our little paid meetings we have together."  
  
"Sadly.."  
  
"Since you find it so interesting why dont I show you, You nosy little git!"  
  
Harry looked horrified. What did he mean show him!? Was he gonna call her down- but before he finished that thought Snape took out a Muggle TV and VCR and put a tape in.  
  
"Please sir! I dont wanna see that!"  
  
As Harry said this Snape took out a wand and shot ropes from it tying Harry to a near by chair.  
  
"Now, watch" Snape said with the evilest grin on his face. Before Snape could start the tape there was a loud knock and a young girl pushed her way in. Harry remembered the girl clearly now. She was 6th year Ravenclaw prefect who was reverse seeker for her house. She looked from Harry tied to the chair, to Snape, then finally to the starting movie. Before Snape could even get a good glimpse of her she picked up a nearby 1,780 page book and threw it at Snapes head. He fell to the ground in a flash and was laying there limp.  
  
Harry was at a lose for words but finally managed," Thank you"  
  
"No problem" the girl finally spoke. I was coming in here to get more gillyweed, not thinking anyone was here I just came in. I really wasn't expecting this though. But what do we do with him? Pointing to the lifeless body.  
  
"Well he's still alive which is good. And I dont think he saw your face so your fine, but what about me? I'm screwed."  
  
"hmmmmm I think I have an idea, she quickly said." Oh by the way, names Nicole Rizzonie.  
  
"Harry Potter"  
  
"Ok now heres the plan, she said quickly. Hes going to be waking up soon. You grab the tape and Ill write the note.  
  
"The note?"  
  
"Yeah, saying if he wants to try this again the mystery girl will show everyone the tape" she said winking.  
  
The letter read:  
  
Dearest Professor Snape,  
  
If you dare try another stunt like that, the mystery girl will show the world your fetish with Hamsters and leather. And Ill be expecting an A on that parchment I just handed on.  
  
  
  
Your Friend  
  
The Famous Harry Potter  
  
"Wicked" Harry said going towards the door with the tape in hand.  
  
"Lets leave before he wakes up"she said while putting the letter ontop of his sleeping head.  
  
  
  
******  
  
Harry and Nicole started hanging out a lot more. Ron and Hermione started noticing to. It was clear that Harry and Cho were over, everyone knew this but her. So today at Lunch in the great hall Harry decided to do it.  
  
After about 10 minutes after finishing his lunch he excused himself and looked over at the Ravenclaw table. Cho was sitting right next to Nicole. Oh boy he thought. He slowly walked over.  
  
"Hi Cho, he said nervously" Can we talk for a sec?  
  
Cho looked up and smiled, "What is it?"  
  
"I um.. I w. ,Harry mumbled " I wanna brake up"  
  
The whole Hall got silent including the Slytherin table. No one was about to interrupt this. Even the teachers just starred and watched.  
  
Cho immediately got up in a rage. " Why in blood hell would you wanna brake up !! I did everything for you!! I thought the sex was great!?  
  
Harry turning red, "It was but theirs someone else.." Before he finished the sentence he knew it was something he'd regret.  
  
Cho looked furious now," Its this bitch isnt it!?!?" she screamed and pointing at Nicole.  
  
Now Nicole was looking mad, "No one calls me a bitch you whore"  
  
"Slut"  
  
"Tramp  
  
"Cunt"  
  
Nicole and Cho were both red and looked like they would kill each other. Finally Cho made the first move. She picked up her Goblet of pumpkin juice and threw it onto Nicoles white shirt exposing all she was worth.  
  
Before anyone else could react Nicole slapped her clear as day across the face. Cho lunged and then all hell broke lose. People were running to see what happening. Colin Creevey taking picture. Teachers watching in amusement. Out of the corner of his eye Harry saw Dean Thomas cast a spell changing the Great Halls floor into a mud pit.  
  
Both girls were rolling around in the mud killing each other and everyone else was falling in the mud and watching. Finally Professor McGonagal stood up and started screaming for them to stop immediately.  
  
Professor Trelawny was sitting next to her while she was screaming and spoke in a soft voice," I saw this coming."  
  
"You saw jack shit" screeched the always cheery and warm hearted Professor Sprout.  
  
Trelawny stood quiet for a minute before lunging at Professor Sprout and they ended up in the mud to.  
  
In a matter of minutes the whole school was in the mud wrestling each other. It could have lasted days but a soft knock on the doors of the school stopped everyone. They all looked around at each other and finally a Slytherin first year opened the door. They all stared in shock turning as pale as can be.  
  
Authors Note- Till the next chapter. Who was this mysterious person? What twisted hilarious situation will happen next? Hehe more to come soon. Please R/R 


	3. Hooker Training

Chapter 3  
  
As the big wooden doors to the Great Hall opened everyones heart skipped a beat. They were all thinking," Who could it be" Finally the dark figure emerged from the door and there Dumbledore walked in.  
  
"Hello students I'm home" Dumbledore yelled as he chuckled to himself with that twinkle in his eyes. Slowly he looked around. The twinkle in his eyes disappeared and all that showed was his age.  
  
"What in Merlins ass happened here!?" He demanded.  
  
Hermione stood up. Everyone turned there head to face her. "Dumbledore", she said. "It was so scarey! All of a sudden. it was so horrible! We all weren't prepared!!"  
  
"Weren't ready for what?" Dumbledore demanded.  
  
Hermione slowly turned towards Snape and pointed at him," He tried raping me!. Then Dean Thomas tried creating a mud ball to throw at him and he mixed up the spell making this muddy floor!"  
  
Dumbledore looked intensely at her," Why is Prof. Sprout and Prof. Trawlenary wrestling in the mud then?  
  
The two teachers looked up and stopped wrestling.  
  
"Snape but a Confusion spell on them" Neville squeaked.  
  
"Then explain this to me Mrs. Granger why are there two topless girls in the mud cat fighting?"  
  
Everyone turned there head to the two 6th year Ravenclaw perfects still going at it. Both looked up.  
  
"She um.. she um. Cho had a little stain in her shirt so I ripped it off and was washing it with a little mud. Family secret to get stains out, Nicole said very boldy.  
  
"So why is your ripped off then Mrs. Rizzato?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
Nicole looked like she was thinking very hard," Give me a minute Ill think of something.."  
  
All of a sudden Hermione screamed out, "Oh for the love of god we were having some fun!" And with that she picked up some mud and threw it into the Head Masters face.  
  
Dumbledore slowly reached down and picked up some Mud of his own. He looked around looking everyone straight in the eyes. After about 30 seconds of no one moving a muscle he threw the great big ball of mud right into Snapes greasy hair.  
  
A Hufflepuff 3rd year screamed," Mud FIGHT!!!" And with that, the school become a great big muddy mess. Dumbledore seemed to enjoy this the most with the twinkle in his eyes returning and smiling so bright someone threw Mud at his mouth.  
  
  
  
***********  
  
Everything slowly went back to normal. It took about 3 days for the House Elves to clean the Great Hall so everyone ate in there common rooms. Harry, Ron and Hermione were anxiously waiting for the clocks to hit Midnight so they could begin the "Hooker Helper Lessons"  
  
At midnight they quietly walked under the Invisible Cloak and into McGonagal office. As they walked in there was there teacher, sitting in a chair, feet up on the desk, legs spread wide with no panties on (All 3 could clearly see from there angle) smoking some Whacky Tobaccy.  
  
Ron seemed to be enjoying every minute of this.  
  
"Well I think we should start with your look" she said skeptically looking her up and down. I think you'll need to close your legs a little first because I don' think that's Rons wand making a tent in his pants."  
  
Everyones attention turned to Ron. One by one they all looked down.  
  
"Yes, I think I should." McGonagal said slowly closing her legs and quickly winking in Rons direction mouthing, "Ill see you Later"  
  
"This is from a Mans point of view but the gray hair is a real turn" Harry said not paying attention to the hurt look in her face.  
  
"Yeah, I see what you mean even as a woman its turning me off" Hermione stated. "Lets change the color, What color would u like it?"  
  
"Blue" she said calmly.  
  
"Excuse me" Harry choked.  
  
"Blue" she repeated  
  
"If you say so." Hermione said skeptically. She slowly took out her wand and said  
  
As dark as the ocean  
  
As bright as the sea What the hell am I doing Just change it please  
  
And with that McGonagal's hair turned a bright shade of sky blue.  
  
After a few minutes everyone recovered from shock and moved on.  
  
"Next comes your clothes. I say go with leather. Leather Mini Skirt and top"  
  
Ron nodded his head furiously.  
  
After about an hour of this McGonagal was finally done. She had Bright blue hair. Was wearing all leather. And had enough make up to scare shit out of anyone.  
  
"Well.." Ron said quickly. "Every hooker has a Pimp, so who's your pimp?  
  
The three turned there attention to her. " I thought it would have been obvious she said slowly.  
  
"Pimp Daddy Dumbledore." 


	4. Herbology Gone Wrong

Chapter 4  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Harry never felt so disoriented the next morning. After seeing what he did last night he felt like he was turned off of woman forever. Harry got up took a quick shower and met Ron and Hermione in the common room to walk to Herbology together.  
  
"Hey Ron, Hermione ready to go?" Harry asked happily. He was so relieved he didnt have Transfiguration today.  
  
Ron nodded, "Yeah, I still cant believe what we saw last night.."  
  
"Just try and forget about it. I tried and putting a memory charm on myself but it backfired and I think my hair is turning a bit blonde."  
  
Harry and Rons attention went to Hermiones hair. Its seemed less frizzy and it did look more blondish. She even cut it so it wasn't so long anymore. She looked beautiful.  
  
Harry finally choked, "Are you wearing a mini skirt?"  
  
"Ginny talked me into it.." she said nervously.  
  
"You look wonderful" Harry said finally looking in her eyes.  
  
Hermione blushed and they moved out of the common room to get to the green house.  
  
***************  
  
When they approached the Green House there was an odd smell of perfume. They all glanced at each other but didn't say anything and walked in. They saw something they didn't expect  
  
"Listen up Class," said Prof. Sprout. She looked very gloom. "Professor Trelawny is with us today. We will be preparing a special herb that 6th years will be using in her class and she stubbornly asked to be her to make sure everything goes right. She gave an evil glance into her direction.  
  
  
  
"Now we will be attending to a tiny bush called the Pranzo Plant. It looks much what the muggles like to call a rose bush. All you have to do is clip the flower off the bush with these scissors but you can not at all cost touch the thorn. The Pranzo Planet has an extremely strong venom in it that can kill in minutes if your pricked by it. So wear your Dragon Hide Gloves. Also please be very careful the flower is very delicate and that is what Professor Trelawny needs most.  
  
Everyone set off to the front of the room to take there pot with the Planet and back to there groups. People kept throwing glances at Hermione noticing her new look. Finally Lavender approached  
  
"Hermione what did you do it looks wonderful!" ,she said between a fit of giggles.  
  
"I love it!" said Parvati approaching them.  
  
"GIRLS! Looking what your doing! You almost damaged the flower! How can you be such fools your disturbing the vibes of the room!" ,Professor Trelawny said running over screaming in a panic.  
  
Professor Sprout came running over quickly, "Whats wrong did someone get pricked?" she said very concerned.  
  
"We were just talking and she came over badgering us about vibes", said Hermione giving her a dirty look.  
  
"These misfit girls were disturbing the vibes of the room! How will anyone be able to pick the delicate flower with such negativity in the air.  
  
"Ill tell you once and Ill tell you again, this is not one of your air tight freak classrooms! This is my class you nit-wit and Ill be the one yelling and it'll be at you! Said Prof. Sprout in rage that no one ever saw.  
  
Prof. Trelawny turned red and stormed off. In the process one of her long necklaces wrapped around a plant stem and when she stormed off it came crashing down. The planet immediately shriveled up and died in an instant.  
  
"No big lose she mumbled", and start walking off again  
  
"You stupid bitch! You ruined one of my most valuable plants!"  
  
"Its no big loss just go play with a seed and some dirt and you got yourself another useless planet you dumb Hoe."  
  
This is were poor Prof. Sprout drew the line. No one insults her planets, student, and classroom and gets away with it. Professor Sprout picked up a flower pot and threw it at her. The pot hit Trelawny in the back knocking her down/  
  
"YOU!" she screamed. Then she took out her wand and mumbled a few words that Hermione thought sounded like Inferno. A small flame shot out of her wand and sat there. She started walking up to all the planets and setting them on fire like candles on a birthday cake. In a matter of minutes the whole green house smoking and the Slytherins were running around in circles screaming fire. It took the combined combination of the other 3 houses to direct the dimwitted Slytherins out.  
  
Now more then ever Professor Sprout was outraged. She lunged for her tackling Trelawny to the ground. Sprout grabbed her hair and pulled and what happened next stopped everyone dead in there tracks. Even the Sytherins running in circles. Professor Sprout pulled Trelawnys wig off! Everyone burst out laughing. What was left of her hair was horrible. There were a few strings of ugly gray hair. Everyone was in an uproar of laugher.  
  
Then the laughter stopped. The Green House blew up. Then the Green House next to it caught on fire and blew up.  
  
This happened until there were only 2 out of the 6 Green Houses left . Then it got worse.  
  
Draco Malfoy's robes caught on fire and he threw them to the ground but there was a very strong gust of wind and it blew the robes onto Hagrids Hut which wasn't to far away. His Hut caught on fire and it blew up. Everyone just stared. They managed to blow up 1 hut and 4 green houses in a matter of minutes without trying.  
  
Professor Sprout very calmly walked up to Trelawny and punched her. She stumbled backwards and fell over. She then started rolling down the hill. She ended up rolling in the Forbidden Forest. A few of the students ran down to go and see what happened to her but she rolled deep into the forest. The students were about halfway there when they heard a blood chilling scream from Trelawny and then silence. Someone claimed they saw a flash of a wolf but didn't get a good enough look. They all shrugged it off and went back to the school not mentioning to anyone what happened to Trelawny.  
  
Authors Note- Another chapter. The next one wont be up for a little but cause its gonna be a nice and long one. Hope you enjoyed and make sure to R/R! 


	5. Night out

Chapter 5  
  
Weird things were happening at Hogwarts after that Herbology class. The school seemed to be in a much happier mood. The students were getting along, including the Slytherins. Harry seemed to be getting along well with Draco Malfoy. Ron on the other hand couldn't tolerate him but he kept to himself about it.  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco were just walking out of Care for Magical Creatures.  
  
"Hey are you guys doing anything tonight?" ,Draco asked nervously.  
  
The three looked around at each other.  
  
"Nothing I know of" ,Hermione said  
  
"Well cause the Three Broomsticks is hosting this party and I thought it would be cool if a bunch of us go" Draco said quietly.  
  
This was the most normal thing he's ever said to them. It was still a shock they were talking, and now this.  
  
Harry looked at Ron. "Well. sure why the hell not!"  
  
Ron looked disgusted.  
  
"Alright cool lets meet in front of the Great Hall at 7 and well sneak into Hogsmeade." He said walking off heading towards he Slytherin common room.  
  
******  
  
Harry Ron and Hermione were waiting in the Great Hall at 7, when they saw the scariest thing in their lives. Draco was walking down the stairs, towards them with his arm around Ginny, and she was happy! Ron was turning more shades of red then an apple and looked like if Draco didn't hall ass out of his site soon he was going to look worse off then a cat in heat giving birth to a liter of camel.  
  
Harry and Hermione quickly grabbed him holding him down.  
  
"ILL KILL THE STUPID SON OF A BITCH" he screamed loud enough for everyone to hear, including Ginny and Draco.  
  
"Calm down Ron!" Harry and Hermione were both screaming.  
  
Ginny and Draco slowly approached. Finally Ginny walked up to Ron, took out her wand, and cursed Ron.  
  
"What did you do to me!?' Ron asked furiously.  
  
"Until you can face the fact that me and Draco are together you will be attracted to inanimate objects.  
  
Everyone looked at her dumbfounded..  
  
"Lets get moving along before were late" Ginny said calmly.  
  
They all left for the Three Broom Sticks after prying Rons body away from a coat rack  
  
***********  
  
The Three Broom Sticks was packed to the max. It was Karaoke night.  
  
"You dont plan on us singing do you?" said Harry looking at Draco skeptically.  
  
  
  
"No no, I just suggested her cause I thought wed brake the ice about me and Ginny here since were in public. "Little late though" he said looking at Ron going at it with a table leg.  
  
They all ordered a drink. One drink turned to two. Two turned into three and so on. They were all so drunk by midnight that they couldn't walk straight. What really go there attention was Draco on stage about to start singing.  
  
"Its raining men! Holy Lula its raining men! Hey hey!" he sung in a high girlish voice.  
  
"Shoot me" Harry said very plainly.  
  
"I'd go for my wand but Ron seems to be occupied with it" she said looking very scared at the site of Ron and her wand and then looking up to see Draco singing. "How drunk can he really be, to be singing that?" They all turned there heads back to Draco. He was now ripping off his shirt singing YMCA.  
  
"I think I'm a lesbian now" Ginny said very calmly." I had high hopes for him to.."  
  
"He's only drunk" Hermione said looking skeptically at Draco on stage. He was now just in boxers and Ginny looked like she was in heat. Ginny grabbed his hand, ran off stage, and that was the last they saw of them for the time being.  
  
"This is getting boring lets pull Ron off the chair and go home" Harry said looking for tired.  
  
"Well." Hermione said" I want to sing a song first. She smiled at Harry and ran onto the stage.  
  
Harry wasn't sure what she was up to but he knew he was going to find out soon enough. First, she ripped off her blouse revealing just her Bra, then trimmed her Mini skirt with a simple Cutting spell,(She got her wand back after fighting Ron for it) and finally zapping in a pole. .Oh boy  
  
The music started up. It was going slow at first and she started moving with it. Slowly inching her way towards the front of the stage ever so gently feeling herself up. Harry's heart stopped when she got to the pole. He thought he died and went to heaven. So did the other 30 men and 4 woman watching.  
  
The pole dancing continued for another 15 minutes till she finally looked at Harry, winked, and ran into the changing room to get some clothes.  
  
Harry had to tell Hermione how he felt. He couldn't hold it in anymore. That's it he decided, Im telling her tonight I have feelings for her.  
  
  
  
*********************  
  
Harry and Hermione slipped away from Ron to take a walk. They somehow ended up in the alley behind the Three Broom Sticks.  
  
Hermione finally braking the ice and saying the first words," Is there something you wanted to talk to me about," she said so innocently making Harry turn white as a ghost."  
  
"Hermione. I um... I.. I cant hide my feeling for you anymore.. I think Im in love with you!!" He said very quickly with his face looking down at the ground.  
  
"Do you really mean it Harry!?!?!?" Hermione looked like she just won the lottery three times in row. "Ive been waiting so long for this day" The look on her face went from in love to just plain scary. "Why dont I just remove my Bra and Panty's and you can take my virginity away!" she said in the sarcastic and bitchy way.  
  
"Hermione I know your not a virgin. you know teen guys they just cant keep there mouths shut.. I heard all about all the times you lost your virginity from Dean, Seamus, Neville, Fred, George, Ron, Oliver, that 7th year Hufflepuff who you dated for awhile."  
  
"Let me guess you wanted your name to be put on my list of people screwed right!?" she stormed on. "Im mean come on you tell me you love me in the middle of a dark alley!" She walked up to Harry and slapped him with all her strength. He looked in horror and felt his reddening cheek.  
  
"You stupid bitch!" Harry screamed and tackled Hermione to the ground. He puts his arms around her neck and started choking her. Hermiones normal peachy colored skin started turning a crimson red then she started going very pale and her struggling stopped.  
  
"Oh my god!" Harry screamed. "What did I do?" He quickly got on his hands and knees and was trying CPR on the poor dead body. This is one thing he could actually thank his Aunt and Uncle for. They made him learn CPR because of his cousins obesity, he frequently passed out throughout the day and Harry had to revive him.  
  
It was now going on a full two minutes and Hermione still wasn't breathing. What could he do? The Boy who Lived was now going to be the Boy Who Killed the smartest girl to ever attend Hogwarts. Then suddenly Hermione started coughing! It was a miracle!  
  
"Oh Harry!" she said with a little difficulty. "You saved my life, your my hero!"  
  
"Err. Hermione I'm the one who made you pass out and almost die." he said very guilty  
  
"Oh dont worry about a silly thing like that. What is important is you saved me" she said with a bright smile on her face. "And about your name going on my list. " she said winking at him. "Take me, take me right here right now!!"  
  
Harry was turning red now and getting nervous, "Are you sure?"  
  
Harry never got his answer. By the time he started talking she was naked and lunging at him. They both went to the ground and she started ripping his clothes off..  
  
5 minutes later..  
  
"OH HARRY!!!! HARDER HARDER!!!!!!! YES !! YES MORE!!!" Hermione screamed from on her hands and knees while her and Harry played "hide the Salami".  
  
"Damn Hermione your one kinky bitch!" Harry screamed in pleasure.  
  
As these random comments were exchanged between the two dogs in mate, quit an audience was gathering. They were so involved with each other neither noticed. They were being so loud it was impossible to miss them. The screaming and knocking garbage cans over in the dark dim lit alley didnt help either. At one point Harry rolled over onto a stray cat... may he Rest in Peace..  
  
Someone finally called the Daily Prophet and a reporter was sent over right away eating up every moment.  
  
After a good 15 minutes Hermione looked up and saw all the people watching.  
  
"Omg Harry!" she practically was screaming at him.  
  
Harry looked up and saw all the people watching. He quickly grabbed Hermione and they started running back towards Hogwarts full force. When they finally made it back they ran into the Great Hall where everyone was just sitting down to dinner. Hermione let out a sigh of relief to be home. For some odd reason everyone was staring at them. Why Harry thought to himself? That's when it hit them. They both forgot one important thing. There clothes.  
  
A/N - I hope you liked. Chapter 6 is going to take awhile to be put up because I'm not sure were I want to go with the story. Please R/R 


	6. The Dilema

Chapter 6  
  
Everyone's eyes in the Great Hall slowly turned to face Hermione and Harry. Mostly everyone sat frozen but a few were able to get over the shock and comment with things here and there like, "Holy shit they're so big!" and "Look Harry's getting excited!" Even the teachers were stunned and couldn't believe what they were seeing. The only person who wasn't was Professor Snape who ran out of the room. He immediately came back in less then a minute with his camcorder and started taping.  
  
Both Gryffindors were turning a deep shade of red, not sure what to do. Hermione quickly grabbing her wand, (from god knows where) and transfigured an empty chair next to her in set of Crimson colored robes.  
  
Harry slowly turned to Hermione not sure what to say. Finally he came up with an idea. He quickly grabbed Hermione, threw her in front of him and said, "It wasn't my fault, she was putting out so much for so little how could I resist!" With those very few words Hermione's whole reputation was changed forever. Greedy little boys were already mentally thinking how much money they had saved up. The females were secretly wishing she would drop dead or thinking of a curse to shrink her chest. Not only was every boys mind at Hogwarts on her naked body, but also was a few women's.  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, Harry caught a few women gazing blissfully at Hermione's naked body. Cho Chang was one of them and she didn't seem to care who noticed it. Finally putting two and two together he realized that's why when Cho got in a fight with the Ravenclaw girl; she was pulling off her clothes as they mud fought.  
  
"We'll ...dear.I didn't expect this" he mumbled out-loud and now seemed to be in a very deep thought. "Harry Potter, for sporting the finest hard-on Hogwarts has seen in years, 15 points to Gryffindor!!!" Everyone just stared at the headmaster. "Hermione Granger, I award you 20 points for the perkiest breasts I've ever seen; a job well done!!"  
  
Hermione was never more shocked in her life. Of all of the things to happen to her and it was all cause of Harry James Potter! She turned around to face Harry so creepy and pissed off looking it made people stop dead in there tracks. She glared at him then finally pulled out her wand and pointed it at Little Harry Jr. screaming "Reducio!!!" All the woman in the hall gasped and stared daggers at her.  
  
"Have you gone mad!?" he screamed, outraged at her. "Fine. Two can play at this game!!" He pulled out his wand, thought about it for a moment and screamed, "Wingardium Leviosa" making her robes be lifted off. Then not even a blink of the eye later he pointed his wand at Hermione's chest and shouted, "Tarantallegra!!!" causing her breasts to dance.  
  
Everyone was crying out of laughter now. They pointed and laughed at Harry and his impotence, and at Hermione and her jiggling breasts.  
  
Out of nowhere, a mob of girls attacked Harry. He took off into the Gryffindor Common Room with amazing speed. If he had been one second slower .. there's no telling what those women would have done to him.  
  
Hermione, on the other hand, wasn't doing so well herself. Servus Snape, who was clutching a camcorder and had a devilish grin on his face, was cornering her. She could also see his hamsters sticking their heads out of his leather pants. She tried her best not to scream.  
  
"Listen to me you rat faced PIECE OF SHIT. I've had a bad day. I got drunk, I did a strip tease on stage, was seduced by Harry Potter, ran into the great hall naked, then he blamed everything on me and made my boobs jiggle for the whole FREAKIN SCHOOL!!! And now after all of that, you think that you have the balls to approach me!?" she screamed at him. Professor Snape's legs started to wobble and he began to feel faint.  
  
Hermione wasn't done yet, though. She had never had so much pent up rage in her life. With all of her strength and anger backing her up, she pulled her fist back and cracked the Potions Master right in the mouth. .And then the scariest thing in the universe happened: Professor Snape began to cry.  
  
*****************  
  
No one was sure how to react the next day. The Potions Master was on sabbatical for a week. His reason was for "Personal Reasons". Dumbledore made a speech before Hermione and Harry came down to breakfast telling each and every student to forget about what happened yesterday and to act normally.  
  
When Harry and Hermione entered the Great Hall (walking 5 ft apart), they each took a seat at the Gryffindor table. Hermione sat on the left of Ron, and Harry on the right.  
  
Finally, Ron broke the silence and announced that they should all finish eating and head for Potions with their new teacher, Professor Poppins. Professor Poppins was a very odd man. He was very short and overly cheerful. As soon as the class entered their classroom, it was understood that Professor Poppins would be some one that they would never forget.  
  
"Come in. Come in, now," he called to them from inside of the classroom. "Take your seats, now, we have an important lesson to begin!"  
  
The class quickly took their seats and waited eagerly to find out what the lesson would be.  
  
"My job as a teacher is to follow the curriculum and teach you it to the best of my knowledge. Well you know what I have to say to that?" He let out a big wet one.  
  
Hermione gasped, unable to comprehend what he was saying.  
  
"Now, let's begin. One of the most lethal poisons known to man is alcohol. Not only does it cloud your judgment, but it also affects your ability to think straight. Besides working up a sort of immunity towards it by letting your body get used to it, there is no true antidote. So, for our lesson today, we will be consuming as much alcohol as humanly possible."  
  
The classes stared.  
  
"Now everyone come on up one at a time and take what you want from the cooler. Your job is to drink as much as you can handle before the bell rings."  
  
Like a stampede the class rushed up to the front of the classroom, attacking the cooler as if it was their last breath of air.  
  
************* 20 minutes later, no one in the class could see straight or even talk correctly. Professor Poppins disappeared with Neville into the classroom across the hall after Neville had about 2 drinks. Hermione was on a table reenacting her dance performance from the Three Broomsticks, and Dean Thomas wasn't doing so well himself.  
  
"I think I'll have another drink!" He stuttered. He took a long look at the drink chart the Professor left on his desk so people could make there own drinks.  
  
"I think I'll have an orgasm!!!!" he announced to the class.  
  
Lavender licked her lips and said." Mmmmhhhmmm. I could use one of those, too!" She grabbed Dean's hand and dragged him out of the room to only, well. God knows where.  
  
*****************  
  
Meanwhile, not too far off from the classroom, Dumbledore and Fudge, Head of the Ministry, were walking by Professor Poppins's classroom after having a nice quiet lunch in the garden discussing school business.  
  
"I can hear one of the classes in progress, would you mind if I take a look? I always enjoy watching the students learn something new," he said cheerfully.  
  
Dumbledore smiled and nodded towards the classroom door opening it as they both walked in. It only took 5 seconds for the two elder men to see and register what was occuring. Fudge dropped his cup of butterbeer on the floor, and the shattering of the glass stopped everyone dead in their tracks.  
  
The only thing Dumbledore could say is, "Where is your teacher!?"  
  
Ron spoke first. "He ran off with Neville; you can follow the trail of alcohol Neville left."  
  
"EVERYONE FOLLOW ME!" Fudge screamed at them.  
  
The quickly formed a line and followed the head master and Ministry of Magic. The trail of alcohol stopped at the transfiguration classroom. Fudge opened the door, glanced inside, before dropping to the floor still. Everyone stuck his or her heads into the door looking to see what was there. Neville was tied up to a rocking horse while Professor Poppins, who was dressed in all leather, was holding a whip and smearing honey all over poor Neville.  
  
Dumbledore slammed the door shut and looked down at Fudge, checking for a pulse. There was none. Some of the girls shrieked, but Dumbledore calmed them down and said, "There, there, now.. Its alright, we can just shove his body in a closet. Yes, yes, that's what we will do. Quickly everybody and grab a body part and lift him up. I know just the place to stash him!"  
  
They followed Dumbledore around the castle going through secret passages that seemed to go on for hours. Finally they reached a door marked "Professor Snape's Room". He opened the door, grabbed the body, and threw it onto Snape's bed.  
  
"Remember class, you saw nothing. Now repeat after me, we saw nothing."  
  
In a very dead sounding way, the class said, "We saw nothing"  
  
"Now who else is in the mood for cupcakes?!" Dumbledore said joyfully, heading towards the Great Hall.  
  
***************  
  
Daily Prophet  
  
Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge is still missing in action. After 3 days, not a trace of what happened to him has been found. Head master of Hogwarts commented saying. "He came to the castle for lunch to talk about a few things. The last I saw him was when he was leaving to go back to the office. I swear, I had nothing to do with it! You hound dogs leave me alone! I don't know!!!!" The ministry is still at a loss of what has happened to him. We'll keep you updated for any other clues in the investigation.  
  
Harry stared at the paper not believing what he was reading. How could the fools not realize what happened!? Fudge never even made it back the office and they don't even think of Dumbledore as a suspect! He was outraged and he knew he had to do something. He stormed out of the Great Hall not finishing his breakfast and ran to the secret passage that led to Doubledore's office.  
  
"Lick-It-Good Lolly Pop!" Harry shouted to the one-eyed statue guarding the entrance. He ran up the stairs, not even bothering to knock. He was on a roll. He was going to yell and make Dumbledore confess, and everything was going to be all right. He was proud of himself. That all changed once Harry opened the door to Dumbledore's office and stepped in.  
  
"Oh my god! The horror!!!" Harry screamed in shock. "Put it away, please!!!"  
  
Minerva quickly ran for her robes and put them on. Dumbledore sat there naked, not making any attempt to get dressed.  
  
"Why, hello, Harry, what seems to be troubling you?" he said calmly, not showing any emotion what so ever.  
  
"What in God's name are you doing?!" Harry was shrieking, but before he could even finish his sentence he was interrupted by the apparating of Aurors everywhere into the office.  
  
"Albus Dumbledore, your under arre- Jesus! Mary, mother of God! He's naked!!" shrieked one of the Aurors.  
  
Someone managed to get a robe over him and hide what everyone didn't want to see. The Auror took this opportunity to finish what he was originally saying.  
  
"Albus Dumbledore, you are under arrest for the charge of murder of the Head Of Ministry of magic, Cornelius Fudge, also wanted for question on the deaths of." he trailed off. He looked down at the papers in his hands to double check the name. It can't be he thought to himself but it was down on the papers in ink. Albus Dumbledore was wanted for questioning on the deaths of Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy. 


End file.
